Out of the Light: Our Move to St. Thomas, VI: Warmer

The past few days have been ok. The other day I felt pretty sick but it went away after a good night's sleep.
Now, I feel like what I share next is important. I've been thinking of how we often make our life look amazing on facebook and other social media. Even I am guilty of making mundane things look glorious. But right now, I just want to try to share exactly how I feel and how I perceive what is happening in my life right now.

I am really unhappy and extremely frustrated. I want to go back to the mainland and settle down in the country. But for some reason, I have let myself be led to a far off island where I have no job, little money and no car, so that two siblings can together work on a dream to make it as Olympic athletes. That is the truth, told with an attitude of extreme annoyance, anger, fear, and sadness. It is not a good attitude to have, and I know it. It makes whatever I say sound mean and negative. And I just want to let those of you who have been in situations like this, that it is okay to feel this way. It is okay to be human. And it is completely normal and good to be able to show your emotions. It's how we learn and it's how others learn from us. The key is to not be that way forever. The key is to learn how to forgive, even if it takes a while.

With all that said, I will share the things I don't like about moving to St. Thomas, USVI and what has made it a pleasant experience, along with some good lessons I have learned so far.

I don't like how dirty it is here. Even the really nice houses are dirty when you get close to them. The roads and parking lots are crumbling. Many people are homeless or live in dirty, rundown places, and I feel sad for them. The places I would be happiest to live are far away from potential jobs, and too expensive and unavailable or, they are affordable but the combined income of two couples working disqualifies us. Many things are very expensive. Many things are in walking or biking distance but the roads are so narrow, the whole island is made of hills and I would not feel safe going alone. I am being ushered into accepting a job opportunity I really do not want or like. There are other things like mosquitoes that can spread Zika Virus, and other critters, etc.

I have seen many good things here. Our hostess and her mother have been more than kind and helpful to us. I have had the privilege of sharing some truths of the Restored Gospel of Jesus Christ with them and they have been very accepting and inviting. Cherie showed us around the island and has given us much good advice. Trent and Casey already have jobs lined up, in which they will be in manager positions. I have a potential job, too. The ocean is beautiful and there are lots of bananas, coconuts, papayas and other fruits easily obtainable. The people are generally friendly; most of them expect you to say hello, good morning or how are you, and if you don't they think you are rude. Honking is their way of saying "hello" and "thank you", only sometimes being used to show aggression. We met the senior missionaries who showed us the church on our first full day on the island.

I am grateful for all the good things. They have made this all bearable. But somehow I can't shake the feeling that I absolutely do not want to stay here, that this is all wrong and it is not for me. Maybe it will go away and someday I will love it here. Maybe something will push me over the edge and I won't be able to adapt here. It feels very much like the first part of my mission. When I first got there, I was terrified. I had a dreary, cold first impression of the area. It was all alien to me. I cried a lot and broke down all the time. The only thing that kept me going was knowing I was exactly where God wanted me to be. But this time, I don't know that and I don't feel that. I don't have a place provided for me and the mantle of a full-time missionary upon me to give me strength. I know that Christ didn't really have a home or a job but His time was different and he knew his path. He didn't need money to survive like we do. His life was not His own, there was not a selfish bone in His body. He also had patience that I do not. Oh how I wish I could be more like Him.

Now, some lessons I have recognized while being here are:

Though the view may be beautiful, reality may not be.
(People might look okay on the outside but may be unhappy inside; To live on an island may seem like a permanent vacation but it is definitely no piece of cake, haha!)

Good people can make uncomfortable places bearable.

Speak up and stick to your guns without wavering, or people will take advantage of you. (Like with our taxi situation: we gave into their pushiness and ended up owing them $55 for a short trip!)

You can ALWAYS find things to be grateful for.
(There is beauty all around us, we already have friends, etc.)

If we have faith and trust God, He will take care of us even if we may be in the wrong place or on the wrong path.

Heavenly Father sometimes lets us make dumb decisions because He knows that our freedom to choose is more important than making us choose the right way. (He loves us no matter how angry we get and He is always there to help us however He can. He never takes offense if we say and do the wrong things.)

Those of us who think we are humble are the ones who most need to be humbled. (Me!)

If you know exactly how you stand before you are put in a situation where a decision is to be made, the right decision will be easier to make and defend. (Know the facts before you are put to the test!)

Lastly, I just want to say that each of us has our weaknesses and what may be a terrible trial for one person may seem to be a moderate challenge for another. I do not want to be judged by people who would say I am over exaggerating. I'm sure they might actually enjoy being in my position, that they would like the same opportunity. For you, it might seem exciting. For me, it is awful. There are much worse things but in this moment, I feel so lost.
I hope you don't think poorly of me because of the way I see things. I may be right about some things, but I am wrong about other things. Everyone points out our faults easily, but few point out our strengths because it is a little more difficult a thing to do.

Casey and Trent waiting for job orientation.